title: “Kokoro”

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The wind whipped around him and blew his red hair into his face.

This was a dream. He knew it was. It was always the same type of thing recently. This was a place he knew. It was a time he remembered. A time before he had to worry about killers lurking behind every shadow. A time before lovers and leaders vied for attention and respect. (A time before that idiotic fight for leadership, actually.) Before he could kill. Before he had abandoned his emotions. Before anything that became the life he knew now, a life on the run. This was the life of a young, well-off boy living with his caring father, his loving mother, and his sister who was the light of his life. He went to a good school and had only a few good friends. His mother never cared about his (only average) grades, though she always said he could do better if he actually applied himself. His father supported him in his work and school, never very strict, always there for him. Life at this time was good to him. There was nothing to worry about. High school was just someplace to be. University was not too far off. His father could get him a part-time job at the bank until he could decide on a real job. There was plenty of time, no reason to hurry though life.

A gust of wind brought him from his thoughts. He blinked as a heavy tear traced its way over his soft features. Instead of wiping it away, he let it make its path until it rolled off the side of his cheek and hit the cold pavement at his feet. There was no one there to see it. He smiled sadly, looking at the wet splatter.

Without warning, his arm was bumped as someone ran past. It was a boy about the age of fourteen with hair a dark flame red and eyes that shone like amethysts. The boy bowed a quick apology then stopped and actually looked up at him. He looked at the young version of himself, identical eyes staring up at him for what seemed like an eternity.

A voice from up ahead called out. “Ran-kun! Hurry up!”

Finally, the young Ran smiled at his older self, a full sincere smile, then ran off to catch up to his friends. It lightened his heart to see his past self so happy and carefree, something that would likely never happen again. He watched bright crimson flash down the street, school books tucked under his arm. That time, everything in his past seemed like this... like a dream. That’s all it was now. No remnant of that innocent boy remained. Ran stuck his hand in his pockets and slowly began walking in the direction that the boy went. They were headed towards the high school for a weekend study group. Judging by the weather, it was well into the term by now, and the youngest boys in his class kind of bonded together to tackle the harder subjects and stave off the bullies. Ran at this age was neither the most nor least popular boy in his class. Largely quiet and almost painfully shy at times, his shockingly red hair brought him a lot of undue attention. Ever since he’d started school, he had noticed the attentions of quite a few of the upper school boys, particularly one obnoxious prick named Shiro. Even at this age, it was always the boys that leered down the hall at young Fujimiya. Ran frowned at the memory. The other boys in his class always pushed him to get a girlfriend so the upperclassmen would leave him alone. They hid pictures of pretty actresses and idol singers in his notebooks so anyone could see he wasn’t into other guys. He was largely grateful for his friends’ attempt at help, but at the same time, it often got him very contemplative about what he wanted for himself. His best friend at the time was a half-American boy with black hair and bright blue eyes named Mori Jun’ichido. Jun was the tallest of the group and was easily the most outspoken and popular of the class. He often picked on Ran for catching the eyes of all the boys while Jun gathered stares and gawks from the girls.

“Between the two of us, we have the whole school! It’s because you’re so beautiful, Ran-kun. You look too much like a woman,” Jun would say with a laugh.

Ran would then glare at him and say in response with a serious tone, “Then would you kiss me if I’m so beautiful?”

“Certainly not, Ran.” Then they would laugh together, and that would be it. Life would continue as normal.

Thinking back on it now, he wondered what would have happened if Jun ever had kissed him. What would it have been like to kiss someone who wasn’t a murderer like Ran would later become?

Ran stopped walking suddenly as he came up on his younger self again, this time with a group of five other boys. Jun was easy enough to pick out among them. Young Ran and Jun had been hanging back from the others, having that very same conversation. Jun’s smile was still spread widely on his face to contrast the frown on Ran’s own countenance. The whole group had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk because an older boy was lying asleep next to a motorcycle parked at the curb. The six of them stared at the sleeping boy until he began to stir. He had shoulder length sandy brown hair that looked as if it hadn’t been washed in several days. The boy was only a few years older than they were, not old enough to be out of school yet. The brunette woke a little more and opened one brilliant yet bloodshot green eye. Young Ran jumped and Jun’s arm shot in front of him protectively. At this, the other boys began to walk on, sniggering amongst themselves and daring glances back at the boy on the ground. Jun pushed Ran gently to move on, but the redhead was fixed to the spot. The sandy-haired boy smelled of tobacco and alcohol. He looked very thin and in bad health. Shaking off Jun’s arm, Ran took a few steps forward and offered the older boy the sandwich he’d been carrying. His outreached hand was steady as he held it out to the boy.

“Ne... I know it’s not much but....”

The older boy just snorted at him and gave him a look that clearly said, “I can take care of myself. Go away.”

Putting the wrapped sandwich on the ground between them, Ran stood and walked over to Jun with a slight glance back at the brunette. Jun put an arm around his friend as they walked away, leaving the older boy staring angrily at their backs. As the group faded into the distance, the boy looked back at the sandwich. Slowly, he reached for it and looked over at his silent observer. He looked up knowingly at adult Ran, who’d been standing with his hands in his pockets watching the whole scene play out. The brunette kept hold of the violet eyes as he unwrapped the sandwich.

“Itadakimasu,” the boy said, raising the food in some kind of a toast. He then turned away and ate hungrily. Ran bowed to him faintly and walked on, leaving the boy to his meal.

The wind gusted around him furiously as Ran made his way slowly after the boys and his former self. His mind had settled into a deep place of “non-thought,” content to let his dream proceed as it willed. He could not remember if the scene with the biker boy had happened in his real past or just part of the dream. Regardless, those lovely green eyes that had looked up at him had been more than just a dream. He’d often seen them in his dreams, long before he’d ever gotten to gaze into them with the love and loyalty they deserved. He was pulled out of his reverie as the owner of those eyes filled his mind.

The dream began to shift.

Ran woke with a start. His head was spinning with sorrow and anger. His body refused to move, pain coursing numbly through his body. The very first thing he was aware of outside of himself was the feeling of someone sitting very... close to him.

“Yo! <3”

Ran’s mind was reeling. He had just had a terrible nightmare and had been through a very stressful day that he only remembered the beginnings of... so why did he have to wake up with this guy in his face? But... lying in this bed, he was surrounded by a strangely comforting scent, being looked at expectantly by gorgeous green eyes....

Throughout the following years, Ran would occasionally dream of waking up to those eyes again, a preoccupation that grew steadily in his mind over time. But there was no time for this distraction. Ran was as cold and heartless to the rest of the team as he could manage, often without a good excuse. Worry for his sister consumed him, along with the vengeance that ran hotly through his veins. After some time, it became obvious to Ran that Youji was indeed interested. (Perhaps, it had been more obvious for longer to anyome but Ran himself.) By then, however, Ran had had several bad experiences to leave him quite jaded to others affections. Still... working closely with the green-eyes brunette day after day, night after night.... Ran could play a mean game, with Sakura as well as with Youji, to tease and then pull away entirely, leaving them empty handed. It was primarily Youji’s frustration that egged Ran on, no matter how often that pained look crossed the brunette’s face and settled in those eyes.

Oh, how Ran regretted that game now! It would have been a dream come true to take Youji into his arms and to wake up beside him. He had wasted so much time. Ran had fallen in love way back then, but being who he was, he couldn’t admit that, not even to himself. Things changed, Weiss dissolved, and Ran decided he couldn’t tease anymore. He couldn’t stand to see that look in those lovely green eyes any longer... that look, often shielded by the true brown wave of Youji’s hair. It took a long time to actually admit those feelings to himself, longer to show it, and longer still to actually say the words. “Ai shiteru.”

There was no other word for it. His whole being had been consumed by the brunette until there was no way he could deny it. Other relationships he’d been clinging to in desperation fell away because there was nothing more they could offer him. His heart was wrenched by the one true romantic love he had ever been able to hold on to. He wanted to protect Youji, to be protected by him, to never again be separated from him, to not be replaced, to hold him close, to love him, to be loved by him. There was a permanence that Ran longed for that he hadn’t known since childhood. This love, this deep and passionate feeling for Youji, was all that he had been missing. All he wanted now was to hold onto that love. Ran could not even imagine what he would do if he ever lost Youji. He wished he could put the death behind them, to not have to run anymore. The blood on their hands had stained so deeply that there was no hiding it. But at least, together, there was no need to. Ran could not and likely would not be able to put into words just how much he loved and needed Youji. The brunette had gotten under his skin and lay nestled in his heart. His body hummed of his lover’s essence and swelled with pride at being lucky enough to have Youji. Violet eyes closed (content that no one could see him), and a strange broad smile spread across his lips.

When he opened his eyes again, Ran stood in the doorway of his high school classroom. Inside, the same group of boys surrounded him, but now the group included three girls, quite attractive for their ages. Four of the boys, those other than Jun and Ran, were telling the girls about the boy by the motorcycle. The girls listened intently as the story was exaggerated and inflated to include a confrontation with the older boy and a story of that boy actively hitting on Ran.

“He probably thought you were beautiful, Ran-kun,” one of the girls joked.

Jun laughed along with them, but young Ran only sighed and looked away. Observing silently from the door, adult Ran did the same. “Beautiful” was a complement that had long ago started driving nails into is heart. He hadn’t the nerve to tell his lovers of this, content mostly to let their opinionated selves say whatever they liked. Ran had more of a reason to believe them when they said such a thing. Circumstances later in his life than high school would only harden his resolve for silence on the matter. If he could help it, they would never know that the word bothered him so.

Ran watched the young version of himself stand and go to the window, a sour look on his face. Jun watched his friend for a moment but said nothing, turning back to join the group in their conversations. Adult Ran walked over to himself at the window and put a hand reassuringly on his shoulder. Their identical eyes met again, a knowing gleam passed between them, and the younger one nodded assent then turned back to look out the windows.

After forever of watching the blessed nothing going on outside, Ran gently squeezed his younger self’s shoulder then left the room without a word. He began to wander his way through the halls he knew all too well. This classroom was where he took his favorite literature class. And in this one, he took math. Here was where the first girl asked him if Jun was available(!). And here was where Shiro used to corner him after classes.

He frowned at that final memory. It had always been that way. Between Shiro and Jun, Ran had never gotten much female attention in high school. Just as well, he thought with a curt laugh. Regardless of his final choice in lovers, when he was younger he had never really thought much of dating and that sort of thing. He was shy anyway and was always too preoccupied with school and work. He never looked for fame or any special attention, but the unusual color of his hair had put a stop to that. With a happier laugh, he remembered when he’d asked his father if he could dye his hair black, at least until the end of high school. Otoosan had merely chuckled and patted those red locks. After much conversation, it had been decided that the hair should remain how it was. Okaasan was pleased. As was Aya. (His eyes tended to attract attention anyway, so regardless, dying his hair would only solve half his problem.) So things continued at school as they always did, but after a while... it didn’t matter.

Ran stopped walking suddenly and looked up at the door in front of him. He was now standing in front of the gym. The place held many memories for him, not because he was an athlete in school, but because he would often go there to think. It was one of the quietest places on campus when it was deserted. The windows could be opened to let a swift breeze in at any time of year, clearing the stuffy air from the large room. Ran paused with his hand on the door handle. He could hear the bouncing of a basketball on the court floor. Someone was in there. But just as soon as Ran started to pay attention to the sound, the bouncing stopped, as if the person knew someone had noticed them. There was the sound of light steps as someone ran away. Ran cracked the door open just in time to see the flick of red long hair as someone leaped out of the window to the ground below. The basketball rolled over to Ran’s feet as he stepped onto the court, and he bent and picked it up, staring out the window where the person had gone. He walked up to the window and looked out. As expected, no one was there. Just a glimpse, that sudden blur of red head was all he had as to the person’s identity.

The dream started to shift again.

There was an explosion. Ran had seen this nightmare more times than he cared to remember. With a great force of will, he changed the dream again. This time it was dark. There were sounds of steel clashing. Ran could hear the sound of Youji’s wire. There was a gunshot. All the sounds of battle began to blur together as light began to appear like sunrise. The battle vanished with the light. Instead it illuminated a familiar hospital. Ran stood outside of the door, hand on the knob. He heard familiar voices from within. There was an enmity sitting in his chest that strengthened as he turned the knob. But then Ran met the eyes of the redhead in the hospital bed. When had those blue eyes turned from those of his enemy to those of a lover? When had Schuldig first started giving him that look?

There was no denying the physical attraction that had begun to develop between the redheads after this point. Everything in Ran’s mind grew fuzzy when he tried to recall just how it had happened. To defeat a major enemy, one that threatened both Weiss and Schwarz as well as the rest of the city, the two teams had to learn to work together. The fiery redhead trained with the cold one, and together they became stronger than they ever would apart.

Ran had a vision of a long-haired version of himself saying, “I hope this story begins with "He never tried to kill my sister."” A sharp pain shot through him. They didn’t talk about that. Ever. Schu was just following orders... just as they both had always done. The circumstances that had brought them together had also forced Ran to put that into the past, regardless of how much he did or didn’t want to. It wasn’t something that anyone liked to think about. What used to strike furious anger into his heart now filled it with sorrow. The issue was never resolved in any way, just ignored. It was better that way. There was nothing that could be done now.... He was in too deep....

Ran was perched in the open window sill, lost in thought and still holding the basketball. He played with is idly in his hands, feeling the small bumps under his fingertips. One of the most difficult changes Ran had to make for his lovers and his team was something he continued to wrestle with. Ran was not exactly sure why he’d always housed so much hatred for Brad Crawford. They were leaders of rival teams of assassins. Ran had suffered many humiliating defeats at is hands. For a while, Crawford had made several unwelcome sexual advances after the unwilling redhead. Ran often doubted that he’d ever get over his resentment for the American. When they were forced together on the run, things did not improve. Ran was uptight and very threatened by the older leader, and Ran’s behavior often resulted in nothing but grief for the rest of the team. Looking back on it now (it wasn’t that long ago), Brad had often been more than fair to the unruly redhead on the matter of leadership. What Ran could not admit was that he had lost.... From the very beginning, Ran had lost. He could still feel the cold of Brad’s gun pressed against his neck with the American behind him, asking if they could trust each other. Not by small steps but by leaps and bounds did Ran’s relationship with Brad change.

Finally and after much toil, Ran admitted he was acting childish... and that he was wrong. Ever since the very beginning, Brad had been in charge. He catered to Ran’s need to feel in charge. Generous. Ran sighed. Brad knew that the fight over leadership was just hurting the team and that the only way to stop it was to let Ran feel as if he had won for a while. Now however, Ran accepted the situation he was in (how could he not?), for the good of the team and for the peace of mind of his lovers.

Climbing out of the window sill, Ran bounced the ball a few times, watching every subtle movement as it hit the court then returned to his hand. It reminded him of Eien, who used to play basketball in school, but that was before....

It still surprised Ran how very little they knew about Eien and Yamato even for all the trouble they’d gotten into together. It largely seemed like it didn’t matter. Korat was Somali’s subordinate who took over after they’d lost her. Sphinx was Korat’s partner and desired his friend as a lover (Korat, who did not return the affection). Korat was their tie back into Kritiker, while Sphinx played into the Yakuza angle. They were the newcomers to the team, and Ran often felt that they didn’t quite belong. He knew for a fact that Korat wasn’t a fighter, and Eien had trouble following orders. One would almost wonder if they were worth the trouble.

The ball hit the court floor with a resounding thud that echoed through the gym. There was no question. They were teammates the same as the other three. Trouble, yes... but weren’t they all trouble? What they had now was a team of six, watched over by a mostly crazy spirit.

Ran dribbled the ball slowly to the foul line then lined up a shot. With a swish, he landed the basket without even hitting the rim or backboard. There was no repressing the grin that spread across Ran’s face now. “As if everything else wasn’t enough, now I know I’m dreaming.”

Sticking his hands in his pockets, Ran headed out if the gym. The school was empty and lifeless around him, but the sun was shining. He looked behind him at the buildings as he walked away. In a window far above, Ran could see the sunlight shining off that head of red hair, still staring out the window, waiting for something to happen. It was all just memories, just the past. The only thing that mattered now was the future, where ever it was taking them.

A car horn sounded. “Geist! You ready yet?!”

A hand touched Ran’s shoulder. “Yeah, are you done here yet?”

Ran turned his back to the school. In front of him, Youji was holding his shoulder. Schu was waiting for them in that red sports car of his.

Nodding, Ran said, “Yes. I’m ready.”

~fin~